Everybody's got something
They had to leave behind
One regret from yesterday
That just seems to grow with time
There's no use looking back or wondering
How it could be now or might have been
Oh this I know but still
I can't find ways to let you know
I've never had a dream come true
Till the day that I found you
Even though I pretend that I've moved on
You'll always be my baby
I never found the words to say
You're the one I think about each day
And I know no matter where life takes me to
A part of me will always be with you
Somewhere in my memory
I've lost all sense of time
And so my road can never be
Cuz yesterday is all that fills my mind
There's no use looking back or wondering
How it could be now or might have been
Oh this I know but still
I can't find ways to let you go
I've never had a dream come true
Till the day that I found you
Even though I pretend that I've moved on
You'll always be my baby
I never found the words to say
You're the one I think about each day
And I know no matter where life takes me to
A part of me will always be
The music drifted through the room as Jason walked into Jakes. His eyes immediately spotted Carly sitting at one of the tables, with a beer bottle in front of her. He sighed and walked over, his hands in his jacket pockets.
You'll always be the dream that fills my head
Yes you will, say you will
You know you will, oh baby
You'll always be the one I know I'll never forget
There's no use looking back or wondering
Because love is a strange and funny thing
No matter how I try and try I just can't say goodbye
No no no no
I've never had a dream come true
Till the day that I found you
Even though I pretend that I've moved on
You'll always be my baby
I never found the words to say
You're the one I think about each day
And I know no matter where life takes me to
A part of me will always be
A part of me will always be
With you...
"Hey."
Carly looked up, and smiled not very convincingly. "Pull up a chair." she invited, using her foot to slide the chair out opposite her.
He looked at her for a moment, then took a seat. He nodded when one of the waitresses asked him if he wanted a beer. Then he turned his concentration on Carly, watching as she downed what was left in her bottle in one gulp. He wondered how many bottles she'd had before he got there. But he definitely knew she was drunk.
"What's wrong?"
That made her laugh. "Ha ha!" What wasn't wrong in her life, currently? Pretty much everything. "How long you got?"
"As long as you need." he replied quietly.
Carly thought about it for a minute. Then she shook her head, and got up. "You wanna play pool? I got a 20$ bill that says I can kick your ass."
He shook his head as he looked up at her, otherwise unmoving. "No."
"Okay." She sighed, briefly considering spilling her guts and getting it over with - because she knew she was going to anyway. But she didn't have the courage or strength to start that conversation yet. "I've got 20$ that I'll owe you if you come over to the pool table with me and let me win."
Jason chuckled and got up.
They went over to the pool table and Jason racked up the balls into the triangle. After three very silent games where Carly hadn't even complained that he wasn't letting her have a shot, he knew something was very wrong.
Carly waved to the waitress for another beer. That was the third one since he'd been there. And now he was worried.
"You and Sonny have another fight?" he asked casually.
She scoffed and rolled her eyes. "When don't Sonny and I have another fight?" she asked rhetorically. They fought all the time. That was all they ever did, she had realized. They fought, and they made up, and it was good for about two seconds. But those two seconds of happiness weren't worth all the pain they inflicted on each other. And she couldn't take it anymore.
He straightened after his last shot sank and leaned on the pool cue, looking at her with a flicker of concern in his eyes. "You wanna tell me what it was about?"
Carly scrunched her face. "Not really."
Jason just shrugged and hit another ball into the pocket.
She gave him a look, though she was less than surprised at his lack of prodding. And they had been friends for too long for her not to know that it wasn't a lack of concern on his part. It was him giving her time and space to say what was on her mind in her own time. And she knew that whatever she had to say, he would listen, and care. And do his best to help her, like he always did. "I thought we agreed you were gonna let me win."
He looked up at her and laughed, his eyes sparkling at her that way that made her heart melt. "We did?" Grinning, he leaned over to make another shot.
"I wanna have another baby, and he doesn't."
That made him stop, and for a second his heart went cold at the idea. He looked at her, almost dumbfounded.
"And it just hit me - he's right." She shook her head, trying not to cry. "He's right. What business do two people like Sonny and I have, to bring a child into the world? We can't even take care of ourselves. I mean, why should I want to bring a child into a relationship that is as miserable as Sonny and I are?"
Jason sighed, thinking she was just going off out of anger, and that she would be over it as soon as she got it out.
His lack of a response cut at her heart. "Jason, I realize by now you must be tired of acting as my marriage counselor. But don't you even care a little that I said I'm miserable?"
He shook his head. "You're not miserable, Carly. You're angry, right now. And you're hurt, and you have a right to be. But you'll get over it, and you'll go home. And you'll be fine."
"No." She shook her head slowly, her eyes wavering with sadness. "No, I'm not even angry. Hurt, yeah. A little. But..." Her eyes fixed on his, her voice steady and unslurred as she spoke. "I am miserable, Jason. And it's something that... That I've been trying to deny for a long time. And I think I thought that..." She frowned and bit her lip thoughtfully, leaning back on the pool table with her arms crossed.
Jason laid down his pool cue, sensing that Carly was through avoiding the issue and was ready to really talk about it. He came around in front of her and stood, crossing his arms as he watched her face. It hurt him, what he saw there. A sadness deep in her eyes, that he hadn't seen before. A sadness that reached from deep within her and made his heart ache for her.
"I think I thought that having a baby would make everything better, you know?" she finally said. She looked up at him briefly, then her eyes flicked away again. "I think I thought that I could make us happy, if we had a baby to love, together. Like some magic little miracle, and everything would be... wonderful." Sighing heavily, she closed her eyes to fight the sharp tears pricking behind them. "But if we can't be happy without a baby, what chance do we have to be happy with one? Nothing could fix what's wrong between us, except us. And..." I don't even want to try anymore.
Jason frowned, wondering where she was going with this. Because he could swear it sounded like she was about to say it was over between her and Sonny. And at that thought, he almost allowed himself to feel a tiny flicker of hope in his heart. But he snuffed it out quickly. They had lost whatever chance they had to be together a long time ago. And as much as a part of him still held onto a wish that they could've been together, he had accepted that she had found happiness with Sonny.
But now she was telling him that she was miserable with Sonny?
He didn't know what that could mean for them. Or what he might want it to mean. But at the moment, he couldn't think about it. So he stored those thoughts away for another time, and concentrated on dealing with the present.
"I'm leaving Sonny."
He looked at her sharply.
Carly squinted at him. "You're not gonna tell me how stupid that is? You're not gonna tell me that I'm drunk and I don't know what I'm saying? Cuz I am drunk, but I know what I'm saying. You're not gonna sit me down and try to talk sense into me? Not that it would do any good, currently. Because I'm drunk," she laughed. "You're not gonna tell me to go home and give it some time, and it'll get all better?"
She sighed loudly, turning away from him. "Cuz I've done that, you know. I've done that. I've tried... so hard." She sniffed, her eyes watering with tears. "Everytime we get into a fight, and we leave. And I come back, and I think... 'It'll get better. It has to get better.'" She paused, rubbing her arms though she wasn't cold on the outside. "But it never gets better." she whispered, her voice fragile.
Jason studied her face, sad, forlorn, and full of pain. And suddenly he knew that she was as miserable as she said she was. She could say the words, but he could see the proof of it in her eyes. For a moment, all of his anger at Sonny came rushing back. All of that anger at Sonny for betraying him by sleeping with the woman he loved. The woman he still loved, if he was honest with himself. And he hated Sonny more than ever at that moment. He hated Sonny for having Carly, for having her and for not making her happy as he had promised. He hated Sonny for making Carly as miserable as she looked, standing in front of him right then.
And he hated Sonny so much at that moment, that he wanted to kill him. And to a man like Jason, that was less than an idle threat.
Jason sighed, and pulled her into his arms. "I'm sorry," he whispered sofly into her hair, holding her as tightly as he could. He wanted to comfort her, to reassure her, to tell her something that would make her smile. But all he could offer her was his embrace.
Which Carly gladly accepted. And it was all she needed. She didn't want to hear him tell her the things she wanted to hear, and she didn't need anything else but this. She just wanted him to hold her, because somehow when she was in his arms she always felt like everything would be okay. And she always felt strongest when he held her, like she could survive or do anything.
But what she couldn't do was stop crying. She found herself clinging to him for dear life. She felt like she was drowing in quicksand and he was her rope. And she needed him so much... She needed someone who understood her and didn't condemn her for being who she was, the way she was. She needed someone who could say they loved her just as she was, and know that they meant it with their whole heart. And that was Jason.
And I'm destined to be in love with a man who's not in love with me, and he's the only one I could truly be happy with. She laughed sharply and pulled away immediately, not believing her thoughts. And here I had myself conviced I was over him, huh? Oh, well. Guess I am doomed, cuz he doesn't want me.
Jason touched her cheek to get her to look at him, his eyes warm and gentle as he looked at her. Though there was something strange in her eyes that made him wonder what she was thinking about. He almost thought maybe her thoughts were similiar to his...
Carly smiled a little and stared into his ice blue eyes, wondering why he couldn't love her the way she wanted him to. But she had spent far too much time pondering subjects similiar to that concering her and Jason and love and why it seemed fated that they couldn't be together. And she never got any answers other than the most obvious - that he wasn't in love with her and never would be.
And that was why she had moved on with Sonny. Because she couldn't be with Jason. Added to the fact that Jason had left town and didn't even say goodbye to her, and she didn't even know if or when he would come back. Because somehow, she had finally accepted the fact that they would never be together. And when she had accepted that, she had tried to put it behind her and move on and forget all of those feelings that Jason had made her feel. She had tried to forget how he accepted her and understood her and how desperately she loved him and wanted him. Tried to forget all of the reasons she knew they were perfect for each other, and find something else to fill that vast empty space in her heart.
But looking at Jason now, she knew that was impossible. Because when he was looking at her the way he was looking at her at that second, everything she felt for him came rushing back like a tidal wave and it was so much that it was almost choking her. And she wanted - so much - just for him to love her. She wanted that so much more than she had ever wanted anything in her life, and her heart hurt that she knew it couldn't be.
She snapped herself out of it and back into reality. Which was - Jason and she couldn't be together. She looked up into his eyes, and found that he was looking at her mouth. For a split second, as he looked up into her eyes from her lips, she thought he wanted to kiss her... But she knew better.
"I'm a mess." she said, summing up her appearance as well as her life.
Jason nodded, sighing as he took a step away from her and tried to distance himself from her emotionally as well as physically. "Yes, you are." Her face under her eyes was stained with black stuff he didn't know what to call, and her cheeks were smeared with tears.
"Thanks, Jase." she chuckled.
"You're beautiful, Carly."
She looked at him, her throat tightening with fresh tears. "Really?" she asked, wiping at her cheeks with a napkin.
"Yeah." He nodded, smiling. "But you'll look better once you wash your face."
Carly couldn't help the laughter that bubbled up in her throat at that comment. "That's what I love about you, Jase. Honest to a fault. Gotta appreciate that." It felt good to laugh like that again, she couldn't remember the last time she had laughed like that. "Oh..." she groaned. And the second after her laughter stopped, she felt the tears flooding back again.
"C'mon." Jason put a gentle hand on her shoulder to turn her toward the stairs, up to his room.
"Okay." She nodded without question, taking his hand as she followed him.
* * * * *
Jason looked up as Carly came out of the bathroom. Her hair was wet, her face was clean, and she was wearing one of his shirts that reached almost to her knees. He smiled, thinking she had never looked more beautiful.
Carly plopped down beside him, most of her wanting just to curl up on the bed and sleep for a few hours - or a few years. She was exhaused, and drunk, and most of all she didn't want to go back to the penthouse and face her husband. She sighed, curling her legs up underneath her. How ever much she put it off, she would have to go back sometime. But not now. "Thanks. I feel... A little better now."
"Good."
For a few minutes neither of them said anything. Both of them were staring off into the distance and lost to their thoughts.
Finally Carly cleared her throat before she started to speak, softly. "I looked in the mirror this morning. And... I didn't recognize myself, Jason. And all today, that same feeling has haunted me. I don't know - who I am anymore, Jason." She shifted so she could look at him, holding his eyes with hers. "Who is this woman, who wears expensive designer business suits for a job she doesn't even like, and lives in a penthouse with a man she's not in love with?"
Jason's eyes immediately focused more intently on hers, when she said that. She had just told him that she wasn't in love with Sonny? And was it true? But he could see that she wasn't lying. Not on purpose. So either she believed it was true... Or it was true. But he still wasn't quite sure. And he wasn't going to hope until he knew for sure.
Carly caught the brief flicker in his eyes, and she wondered what it meant. "That's not me." She shook her head, closing her eyes for a second. "And I don't even know when it happened. When I went from the woman I was to this unrecognizable person I saw in the mirror this morning. I don't know. But I do know... This is not... This is not who I want to be. This is not the life I want. No, I don't know what I want. But this isn't it."
"Carly." He turned to her, looking into her eyes. "Is it really that bad?"
She gave a choke of laughter and stood, going over to the window. She thought in silence for a moment before she started to speak quietly again. "I've got... a perfect life, you know that? I've got this husband who's given me a life that most people can't even dream about. I've got a business that I- Well, I'm partners in. But it's mine, you know? I've got a beautiful little boy who's happy and healthy." She turned and leaned back against the window sill, her arms crossed tightly. "I've got a perfect life." But her voice was sad.
"But I'm not happy." She sighed, blowing out her lips. "You know why? Because I'm not married to the man I'm in love with. Because I don't give a damn about that stupid company, Deception. The only reason I'm still... Is because of Michael. He's happy. Sonny loves him. And Michael needs a father. But I don't think that's even enough anymore." she admitted in a defeated whisper.
"What are you saying, Carly?" He shook his head, still half waiting for her to snap out of it like she always did and tell him that it wasn't that bad. "Have you really thought about this? You're just gonna give up?"
"Give up?" A rueful laugh came from her throat and she shook her head, almost irritated. "Don't you see, that's what I'm telling you. There is nothing in my life worth fighting for. Except Michael."
"You don't mean that, Carly. Sonny loves you, and you love him-"
"Stop telling me who I do and don't love!" she burst out angrily. He could convince himself that she was never really in love with him, and maybe she had let him believe that because she could see the futility of trying to convice him otherwise. But she knew better. She knew she had loved him like she had never loved anyone, and still did. And would for the rest of her life. But she also knew that it wouldn't do any good to say those words, because it would just open old wounds that were better left alone. "Would you just stop? Please?"
Jason sighed heavily and hung his head, and finally nodded in agreement.
Carly nodded and crossed her arms, turning so she wasn't quite looking at him. "I know how I feel. And I don't- I'm not in love with Sonny." I'm in love with you, dumbass. "I thought I was. I wanted to be. But the simple truth is, I'm not."
"I thought you were happy, Carly." He looked up at her, a trace of anguish in his voice. "I thought you were..."
A rueful smile crossed her face. "I'm really good at pretending to be happy. You know that. But I can't... fool myself anymore. I'm miserable."
Jason stared at her for a long moment, almost wishing he didn't know how true that was. Finally, he nodded in acceptance. "What are you going to do?"
"Long term?" She chuckled. "I haven't got a fucking clue. But..." She looked at him unsurely. "I do have an idea for short term..."
"And this is the part where you ask for my help." he answered knowingly.
Carly's face lit up with a small grin. "You always bail me out when I need you."
"I didn't agree yet."
She rolled her eyes. "I... need a small," She held her first two fingers up, barely apart, "teensy weensie, miniscule, tiny little favour..."
Jason raised his eyebrows, waiting for her to go on.
"I need to go someplace... Someplace where I can be alone and where no one can find me... So I can find myself." She made a slight face, knowing how stupid and corny that sounded. "Someplace far away. Where I can figure out what I want and where I'm going and what I'm gonna do." She looked over at him hopefully, biting her lip as she waited for his answer.
He frowned pensively, mentally searching his recent travels for a place he could send her. Someplace where she would be safe, and he could be sure no one would find her. Some place with a beach, he knew immediately.
"So...?"
Jason snapped out of it and his eyes focused on her again, but his mind was still working.
"So are you gonna help me or not?" She paused, and sighed when he didn't answer. "You seemed to be contemplating really hard on whether or not to agree or not."
"I wasn't thinking about that," he replied, still distracted.
"Oh." She nodded with a sigh. "Okay. I guess I have my answer then." She picked up her purse and started for the door. "Well, thanks for listening and everything." She turned around and walked a few steps backwards toward the door. "I can do it on my own, you know. I just thought you'd..." She sighed again and put her hand on the knob.
"Carly." Jason caught her arm, closing the door with his other hand.
"What?" she sighed, looking down and away from him.
Smiling softly, he touched her chin to get her to look up at him. "I'll help you." he said simply.
Carly started to grin slowly, biting her lip. Then once she was sure he was serious, she threw her arms around him in a fierce hug. "I knew I could count on you."
Jason laughed a little and after a minute, he pulled back so he could look into her eyes. "You can always count on me."
She smiled back into his eyes, brushing a fingertip over his cheekbone. "I know."
He broke his eyes away from hers and cleared his throat as he pulled away. A chuckle escaped from his throat as he noticed how she was dressed. "Besides." He guestured his index finger up and down her body once. "It might be a good idea to put on some clothes before you go outside."
Carly laughed and looked down, remembering that she was still wearing only his shirt. "Yeah, maybe."
"So when do you want to leave?"
"Ah." She sighed heavily, not even having to think about it. "Now, pretty much. As soon as possible."
"I'll make the arrangements for tomorrow morning." He paused, barely smiling. "Early."
"Thank you." She couldn't help but wonder what she had ever done to deserve him. "You are truly the best friend. The best person in the world."
"What are you gonna tell Sonny?"
"Nothing."
"Carly. He deserves to know what's going on."
She groaned, her face scrunching in irritation at herself. "Yeah, I know. You're right. I'll, uh... I'll write him a letter, or something, before I leave..." She glanced at Jason, something occurring to her. "I'll just tell him the truth, right?"
He nodded. "Good idea."
"Jason? Could I ask you one more, tiny little favour?" She sighed, her eyes apologetic. "I need to uh, to write this letter... in private. Alone. Cuz it's gonna be... really hard..."
"Okay." He understood and nodded without hesitation. "I'll go and make some phone calls to arrange things for you." He turned and headed for the door.
"Jason?" After he turned again, she smiled. Even though she knew it wasn't necessary, she said, "Thank you."
He smiled and shook his head in silent contradiction, before he went out the door.
* * * * *
"Dear Sonny,
Well, I've been wracking my brain for the last hour trying to figure out what to say... And there's no easy way to say this. So - I guess I should just say it, right?I'm not happy. In fact, I'm pretty much the opposite of happy. It's something that I've been feeling for a long time, but I didn't want to admit it. And this isn't about any fights we've had. It's about all the fights we've had. It's not about one thing, it's about everything.
But I'm tired of fighting with you all the time. I'm tired of waiting for it to get better. And I'm tired of apologizing for who I am. I'm tired of not living up to who you want me to be, because I'm not perfect, Sonny. I'm far from perfect, and you know that. I never claimed to be, but you condemn me for every mistake I make. And you can't accept that as a part of me. I thought it would get better. I hoped, and I waited. But it hasn't. And now I know that it won't.
We both tried really hard to make it work and to make each other happy. But it's time we both admit that we're not right for each other. We don't fit. And you know what I mean. We don't make each other better - we bring out the worst in each other. It's just not right between us, Sonny. We both wanted it to be, maybe we wanted it a little too much and that's why it's taken this long for me to see it. I'm sorry.
The basic truth is - we hurt each other more than we make each other happy. And that's not good. For you or for me.
So I guess it all boils down to that one word - goodbye - huh? I could tell you in person, but we would only get into another fight. And I know that's a crock - I'm a coward for writing you some stupid letter instead of facing you. But this way it'll save us a lot of hurt.
I am sorry, Sonny. But this letter is my goodbye. I'm going away for awhile. I'm not sure where. But I don't want you to try to find me. I'm not sure how long I'll be gone... A few weeks, a few months. Maybe a year or two. I don't know. As long as it takes for me to find myself again. I know how stupid and lame that sounds, but it's true.
I'm sure that I'll see you again, someday. I am coming back to this wretched little town known as Port Chuckles - someday. Probably not soon. But I don't want to hate you, and I can't love you - so please let me go.
I'll miss you.
Love, Carly"
* * * * *
Jason knocked on the door to his room and waited for a few seconds. When he didn't get an answer, he knocked once more lightly and opened the door slowly. "Carly?" he called, poking his head into the room.
His gaze landed on Carly. She was curled up on his bed, sound asleep and lightly snoring. He didn't know why, but the sight caused him to smile and his heart to warm a little.
Quietly, he came inside and shut the door. He opened he trunk at the foot of his bed to retrieve a blanket, and draped it gently over her as she slept.
Then he sat down in the chair beside his bed and adjusted his position until he was as comfortable as he could be, with his arms crossed and his head resting against a pillow on the back of the chair. His feet were propped up on the edge of the bed.
And for a few minutes, he kept his eyes open and watched Carly sleep. She looked peaceful, and beautiful, and he found the gentle rise and fall of her breaths as she slept almost fascinating.
It had taken him less than an hour to make all the arrangements. Carly and Michael would be leaving in a few hours. He had arranged for a crisis at the warehouse to get Sonny out of the penthouse long enough for them to get Michael and leave before Sonny got back.
The hardest part would be making sure that no one found her. They would be traveling under fake names, by car, train, boat, and plane, and making several detours and backtracking a few times before they got to where he was sending her, to make it harder for them to be tracked. But still, Sonny had his connections, and they were strong.
He knew Sonny would see this as a betrayal. But he didn't care. What mattered to him was that Carly wasn't happy, and he would do all he could do to help her. The same as she had always done for him.
Finally, he closed his eyes and laid his head back, lightly dozing for the few hours before Carly left town.
* * * * *
A month later
Jason walked up the two steps to the large back patio of Carly's suite. He cast his eyes down the beach to see if he could see her, but the beach was deserted as far as the eye could see. He noted that the large glass doors to her suite were wide open. The long, sheer ivory curtians brightly splashed with tropical coloured flowers were billowing gently in the breeze. He heard her voice drift out from inside, and he guessed she was putting Michael down for bed.
He sat down in one of the chairs, deciding to wait. He knew she could come outside sooner or later, probably to watch the sunset.
A few minutes later, Carly came out through the long curtains onto the patio. For a second she was startled when she saw someone was there. But it took her less than a second to realize the person was Jason. She would know him anywhere, even just by his shadow.
"Well." She smiled at him and plopped down in a chair beside his. "This is a surprise."
He smiled. "You knew I'd come to see you, sooner or later."
"Yeah."
For a few minutes they both sat in silence. The only sound they could hear was the quiet rumble of the waves as they rolled up on the shore and receeded into the ocean. It was still light, but the sun was sinking close to the horizon and the shadows were growing long. Sunset would come in about an hour.
"So you like it here?"
"I love it." She breathed in a long breath of the fresh, salty air. "It couldn't be more perfect. Hotel room right by the ocean. Long, gorgeous stretch of beach. Lots of hot sun, tropical breezes... Room service." She looked over at him with a grin. "You know me so well."
He smiled, glad that she liked the place he had picked. "That I do."
"I just put Michael down early for tonight. We had a long, exhausting day of playing on the beach and making sand castles... And he's taken to chasing those little crabs around. He never catches them, they disappear into the ground before he can. Which is good, because I don't know what I would do if he caught one. He was exhausted. But I can get him up if you want to see him. He'll be happy to see you."
"No, that's okay. I can see him tomorrow."
"So you'll be here tomorrow, then?"
"Sure." He paused. "Unless you want me to go-"
"No, no." she answered quickly. "I'm happy to see you too. Really happy."
Jason looked over at her, his eyes studying her carefully. He could see a difference in her, a very clear and distinct difference. There was a brighter light in her eyes, but there was also a new calm there in the depths of her eyes. That deep sadness that had seemed to dull her spirit was gone. Her whole countenance seemed almost peaceful, content. He realized he had never seen her look that way before. "You look happy."
"I'm... doing better." She breathed a long, contemplative sigh. "I really am." Her voice was confident, a confidence she could actually feel inside her instead of pretend she felt. "I feel a lot better than I have in a long time. I think I'm... closer. To something. I'm not sure what exactly."
"So you're not ready to go back yet?"
Carly shook her head immediately. "No, not yet." Then her forehead creased in a small frown. "Unless... It's a problem...?"
"No. I told you, you can stay as long as you want."
"So... Why are you here? Something happen, that I should know about? Or...?"
"No." He shrugged, not wanting to get into it. "Nothing important."
"Oh." Her eyes narrowed, wondering about the evasion. She could read him, and she knew there was something else. "So you just happened to be in the neighborhood?"
"Something like that." he chuckled.
"Hmm. You decide to leave town again?"
Jason blew out a long breath, wishing they weren't having this conversation. Because he knew where it was going and he knew she wouldn't let it go. "Yeah."
"One less reason for me to want to go back, then." She sighed. "Oh, let me guess. It has something to do with little Miss Lizzy Lipgloss?"
He gave her a pointed look, silently warning her it would be better for her if she just left it alone.
"She dump you?" She did her best to keep the gloat out of her voice. Though she was well aware that she failed miserably.
"Carly..." he sighed. Though that was close enough to true.
"Okay, you know what? Listen to me." She turned in the chair, with one leg folded in front of her so she could face him. "Just listen." She held out her hand to stop him when he made a move to get up. "And this will be my final word, ever. And then the subject is closed."
"Right." he stated, knowing exactly how true to believe that was.
"Right." She grinned. Then her face sobered and she spoke seriously, "That twitty little girl was not right for you, Jase. She didn't have the kinda heart that you need. She didn't have what it takes, to love you the way that you deserve to be loved. And she really didn't know you, for who you really are. She did not deserve you, and she didn't appreciate how wonderful and amazing you are. Because if she did? There is no way she would have just let you go."
Jason sighed and nodded once, knowing that what she said was true. When Liz had made her choice, he had known then that it could have never worked between them, anyway. And not that he wasn't disappointed, but he wasn't heartbroken over it either. He would get over it.
Carly nodded. She wasn't exactly sad for him, though. Because she knew Jason was better off without that little twit. And she figured it was better for him to hurt less now than hurt more later. If it was over, then she was happy.
Then the ridiculousness of their situations hit her, and she started giggling. "We're pathetic, you know that?"
"Speak for yourself," he returned, though there was a hint of laughter in his voice.
"Okay." She sat up a little straighter and contemplated for a minute. "I left my husband, and my perfect life. Because even though I had- Well, almost everything I've ever wanted, I wasn't happy. Now that is pathetic."
Jason nodded in silent agreement.
"Okay. But you. Some ditzy teenybopper two-dollar waitress who could never deserve you and could never make you happy - Chooses her boyfriend over you, like I said she would-"
"Couldn't resist, could you?"
"Nope." She shook her head, grinning. "And you decide to leave town." she continued. "That, my friend, brings you right down into the pathetic club with me."
"Well." He nodded his head to the side once. "If you're there it can't be that bad."
"Oh, yeah." she laughed. "You talked to Bobbie?"
"Yeah. She didn't really understand, why. But I told her that you loved her and that you just needed some time, alone. And that you would be back when you were ready."
"That's good."
"And she told me to tell you that she loves you. And that she hopes you'll be back soon."
"She misses yelling at me," she commented dryly. She looked down, hesitant to broach the next topic. "And Sonny? How'd it go with him?"
"About how you would expect." he replied, his voice flat and without emotion.
"He was mad." she summed up knowingly.
"Yeah."
"Really mad."
"Really mad."
"Can't say I blame him. You two fight?"
"Yeah." 'Fight' was putting it mildly. He and Sonny had argued loudly for close to two hours, and almost come to blows a few times. But he didn't really feel like getting into the specifics of his argument with Sonny. The friendship between them had been irreperably broken a long time ago, though the two of them had managed to rebuild a hesitant kind of alliance. But the absolute trust that had been between the two men was something that they could never find again. And he wasn't sorry that - as Sonny had put it - he had chosen Carly over Sonny.
"I'm sorry." She guessed that he didn't really want to talk about it, so she would leave it alone. For the moment. "I know I put you in a tough spot, didn't I? Lying to Sonny for me, and..."
"You usually do."
"I seem to be an expert at putting you in tough spots, huh?" she asked rhetorically, her voice full of regrets. She sighed deeply and got up, leaning against the porch railing as she looked out at the ocean, her arms crossed. "He probably thinks it's a game, you know? Like payback for some fight, or... That I'm trying to get him to come and find me and beg me to come back. And that if he doesn't play the game, he can just wait me out." She turned back to face Jason, her eyes misted with tears. "But this isn't a game, Jason."
"I know that." he replied quietly. If he had thought for a second that this was some game she was playing, he wouldn't have helped her. But as he always could, he could see the truth in her eyes. "Listen." He stood and went over to her, placing his hands on her shoulders. "He calmed down after a few weeks. He told me that... After he stopped being angry and read your letter a few more times. He told me to tell you that he understands. And that he's not gonna try to find you."
Carly looked up at him, surprise apparent in her eyes. She laughed, a little too sharply. Well, I guess that's really it, then.
Jason's eyes narrowed at her reaction. "Did you want him to?"
"No." she said quietly, shaking her head. "I mean... Maybe a little. I guess maybe I hoped I meant enough to him... for him to not give up that easily." She shrugged. "But, no. It's for the best, this way."
"So you haven't changed your mind about you and Sonny?" he asked cautiously, trying to brace himself for whatever answer she gave.
"No." She looked at him curiously. "You thought I would?"
"You've had time to really think about it. Sometimes you see things differently, when you've been away from them for awhile. Distance and time have a way of giving you a new perspective on things."
Carly nodded, sensing he was speaking from experience. "I miss him." she said sadly. "I mean, I don't miss all the fighting, and the... I don't miss feeling the way I was feeling. And I know that I don't want to go back to that, ever. And I know that it's over. It has to be. Because I can't... I just can't. But I do miss him. A little."
Jason sighed and nodded, remaining quiet while he thought about things.
"You think I did the right thing?" she asked after a few more minutes.
He considered the question. "I don't think I can know the answer to that question."
"Hmm." Accepting the answer, she nodded and turned her gaze back out to the ocean.
"But I think that if you weren't happy, and you knew you weren't going to be." He leaned his elbows on the railing, looking over at her with a small smile. "Then I'm glad that you left."
Carly smiled a little in return, and nodded. Then she looked out at the ocean again. The sky was darkening and the sun was close to the horizon now, turning the water a dark, murky purple and the sky a marvelous shade of red splashed with pink and orange.
And it made her remember something. "C'mon." She took his hand and started to pull him down toward the sand.
"What are you doing?" he asked, not quite sure about what she had in store.
"C'mon!" she urged, tugging on his arm.
Jason sighed, but relented. "Where are we going?"
She looked down at his feet. "Take off your shoes."
"What?" he laughed.
"If you don't take off your shoes, they're gonna get all wet." she informed him seriously.
He took a step backwards. "I'm not going swimming, Carly-"
"No, no, no. I'm not gonna pull you in." she promised, making an X over her chest with her index finger. "Cross my heart."
"Then I don't need to take off my shoes." he countered solemnly.
"You are such a pain!" Carly exhaled in exasperation and shook her head. "If you take a walk by the ocean, you have to take off your shoes. It's just a rule. I know this. I practically grew up on a beach, remember?"
Jason just stared at her and shook his head.
"Fine. Don't listen to me. C'mon."
He rolled his eyes as she linked her arm through his, and they started to walk down the beach again.
They walked for awhile. Both were silent and enjoying the moment, watching as the sunset painted the sky with a thousand different colours and the stars appeared, one by one, overhead.
"I, uh..." Carly released a soft groan, scrunching her face. She couldn't believe she was about to tell him this. "I told Bobbie once, that when I was on my honeymoon with AJ, in Hawaii... That all I could think about was you. That every sunset and every beach made me think of you." she confessed quietly, not looking at him. "And that, you know, we'd never had anything like that. You and me. Romantic walks on the beach?" She laughed a little, amazed that she felt almost nervous. "And I just wanted to, once." She looked up at him quickly, shaking her head before he could say anything to object. "I know it's not-" She broke off with a sigh. "I know it's not. But I just... wanted this."
Jason slowed his walk and stopped. He looked at her curiously, wondering and trying to figure her out. And trying to decide what that might mean... For them. What he might want it to mean... And in that second, he realized there might be some hope for them. Maybe... Just maybe.
If she was getting over Sonny, and he was basically pretty much over Liz... And both of those relationships were completely over. He knew it would take some time, and they would have to see what happened.
He asked himself a simple question - Do I want that? And the answer came back as a quiet, simple - Yes.
But now he had to wonder - Did she still want that? Or was it too late?
"What?" she asked softly. He was staring at her strangely, and she didn't know why. When he didn't answer, "Say something."
He shook his head, not knowing what to say or how to say it. "What do you want me to say?"
Well, you haven't told me how stupid that is, or that it doesn't mean anything or change anything. That's something. "So how long are you staying?"
"How long do you want me to stay?"
"I want you to stay..." How about forever? "As long as you want to stay."
"You sure?" He knew the whole reason she was there, was because she wanted peace and quiet and time to think.
"Yeah, I'm sure. Y'know, actually... The nanny that you found - excellent nanny, by the way. She has the extra room. But if you don't mind, you can sleep on the couch." She looked over at him with a teasing grin. "That is... Unless your tastes have been refined and a couch just isn't your thing anymore?"
He smirked at her. "The couch is good."
Carly smiled. "You already have a room, don't you?"
"The one closest one to yours." he replied with a nod.
"You don't have to, if you don't want to."
"I wouldn't have accepted, if I didn't want to." he answered easily.
"I knew that." She smiled and stretched up on her toes to give his cheek a kiss. "Maybe I just wanted to hear you say it."
After that, the two of them just walked in comfortable silence for awhile. They were both lost in private thoughts, thoughts that most of which dwelled on each other. Thoughts that, unbeknownst to each other, were very similiar.
Carly kept drifting farther into the waves as she walked. She hadn't really wanted to get that wet, just to her ankles. She tugged up the hem of her capri pants as she walked, trying to keep them from getting soaked. But when a wave splashed her up to her knees, she let go, the cloth falling down and into the water. Then the water was swirling around her knees. One large wave hit her and she almost lost her balance, soaking her up to her thighs. It made her laugh loudly, probably her first genuine laugh in a long time.
Jason watched her from the shore, following along at the same pace she was walking. "Crazy," he murmured affectionately. Even though she was the one having fun, he found himself enjoying the moment - watching her - as much as she was.
It almost shocked her how good it felt to really laugh at something so stupid and silly as waves splashing her. But she couldn't help it, it felt too good. So when a high crest would hit her, she let the laughter burst from her throat. And for a little while, she put all her worries aside and let go, and let herself be free.
Jason was mildly surprised at how unfamiliar she suddenly seemed to him. Then he realized what it was. She was having fun. Genuine, actual fun. She was just being in the moment, enjoying herself. Not worrying about the future or agonizing over the past. She was laughing at the waves splashing around her thighs, walking slowly, playing in the ocean. She wasn't being anything, she was simply being Carly... And he was seeing her in a way he never had before.
And even though they could have been miles apart at that moment, he had never felt closer to her.
As she walked, she alternated between tilting her head up to gaze up at the fully rounded moon, and looking down at the foam-spackled water around her knees, and staring at the blurry horizon of the ocean. She was sure this was the most beautiful night she had ever seen. And it was made even more special by the fact that she was sharing it with Jason.
They must have walked for hours. But when Carly glanced back, she was surprised she could still see the glow of the small villa in the distance.
Every once in awhile, she would glance over at Jason, to see if he would signal for her to come back up. But then she realized that he would just let her walk as long as she wanted. The thought made her smile happily.
A few minutes later, she stopped, giving him a wave, and twirled once, with her toes in the sand. Then she started to walk back toward the villa. But she didn't come out of the ocean until she had to. She walked backward very slowly, keeping her eyes on the moonlit waves until she was out of the water.
Jason chuckled in amusement as she came closer to him. "You might as well have gone under all the way," he commented. Her pants were completely soaked, clinging to her legs he noted with appreciation. Her shirt was wet almost to her breasts, and splattered with wet spots. Her blond hair was wild over her shoulders, and she smelled like the ocean.
"I told you, you should have taken off your shoes," she laughed, when she saw he was holding them in one hand and they were slightly dripping.
Jason just rolled his eyes, and tossed his shoes into a far chair to dry.
Carly sighed happily and sat down in one of the deck chairs, stretching her legs out in front of her. She folded her arms behind her head so she could stare up at the moon and the star studded sky. She hoped her clothes would dry off a little before she had to go inside. And a part of her didn't want to let this night end any sooner than necessary.
Jason sat down in one of the chairs as well, and leaned his head back so he could look up at the starry night sky. He was already tired from traveling, and their walk had taken the last of his energy. It had also relaxed him to the point where he knew the second he laid his head down, he would be asleep.
"Jason?"
"Yeah," he muttered, his voice heavy with sleep he could feel rapidly closing in on him.
Carly smiled at the sound of his voice, a slurred grunt. That makes two of us who'll get a good night's sleep tonight. "I know I've said this a thousand different ways and a thousand times... And I know I'll owe you a thousand more before we're through with each other. But... Thank you." she stated simply, knowing the words weren't enough to tell him everything in her heart. But she knew he knew that, too.
"For what," he breathed, the soft rumble of the ocean luring him close to sleep.
She laughed again, not able to narrow it down at all. "Anything. Nothing. Everything."
A ghost of a smile curved his lips. "I didn't do anything I didn't want to."
Carly nodded, grateful for that truth. "Thank you. For wanting to."
Jason pulled himself up a little, and looked over at her. He found her smiling at him, that warm, irresistable Carly smile that could make him do anything she wanted him to. He smiled back, and nodded once. He stared into her eyes for a few more long seconds, then laid his head back on the chair again.
"Jason?"
Her voice was so soft he almost didn't hear her. "Mmm."
She hesitated for a full minute. Maybe this wasn't the right time to ask... But, she knew there was nothing left to lose by asking the question. And she wanted to get it clear, and get it out of the way. Plus this was a conversation that was long overdue. "Why did you kiss me?"
This time he sat up fully and leaned over with his elbows on his knees, looking at her with bright, intent eyes. "What?"
"You remember." She smiled faintly. "You kissed me."
Then he realized what she was talking about - when he had kissed her in his Penthouse, almost two years ago. "Yeah, I remember."
"Why?" she prodded.
He smiled at the simplicity and straightforwardness of the question. "I kissed you because I wanted to."
Carly nodded and closed her eyes briefly. She got up and went over to him, sitting down in the chair closest to him. She looked at him for a few seconds in complete seriousness. "Do you still want to?" she almost whispered, her whole heart in that one question.
He looked at her for a long moment, weighing his heart carefully. Though the real question was unspoken, he knew what she was asking. "Yes, I do."
And Carly smiled, a smile that lit up her eyes with happiness. Very slowly, she leaned over to him, glancing from his eyes to his lips in silent question.
Jason leaned forward a little in answer, and paused to look into her eyes. His fingertips brushed back a wildly curled strand of hair from her cheek.
We're so close...
Her hand laid gently ontop of his, and their foreheads touched. Then their lips met in a soft, single kiss.
It was all they could give each other at that moment, but it was all each of them needed.
Tomorrow, and the days after that, there would be time for all the things that needed to be said, and all the questions that needed to be asked. Time for them to talk and argue and laugh and cry.
But that was another day.
Carly opened her eyes, a soft smile on her lips. "Goodnight, Jason."
He smiled a little and nodded as she got up. He caught her hand before she went past him, waiting until she met his eyes. "Goodnight, Carly."
She laughed a soft laugh, and smiled widely at him. Then she blew him a kiss before she went inside.
~ The End ~
Song Credit: Never Had a Dream Come True by S Club 7